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Jokes
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J TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
J TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
J TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
J TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
J TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
J SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
J TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
J TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases
caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
J TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
J MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.
J TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight
oranges in the other, what would I have CLASS
COMEDIAN: Big hands!
J You know you've been on-line too long when...
* You start introducing yourself as Jim at aol.com.
* Your wife drapes a wig over the monitor to remind you of what she looks
like.
* You check your mail. It says "no new messages" so you check it again.
* You name your children Eudora, Mozzilla, and Dotcom.
* All of your friends have an @ in their names.
* You tell the cab driver you live at
http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
* You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy/Mommy's got
work to do".
* You get a tattoo that says "This body best veiwed with Internet Explorer
5.0."
* You ask the plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front
of the computer with a toilet.
* You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile.
* As your car chrashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your
first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
Intelligent Test
J Here are 4 simple Questions to check how intelligent you are, don't look
ahead. scroll slowly.
1. What weighs more, 10 pounds of water or 10 pounds of rocks?
2. If a electric train is going at 50 mph heading East from West which way
would the smoke go?
3. If a rooster sat on a TP roof and laid a egg which way would the egg
roll?
4. If it take 5 minutes to dry a t-shirt on a clothes wire, How long would
it take to dry 5 t-shirts?
Answers:
1. They both weigh TEN pounds.
2. ELECTRIC train has NO smoke.
3. Roosters DON'T lay eggs.
4. It takes 5 MINUTES. (Because you hang them at the same time)
Intelligent Rating
4 = Genius
3 = Normal Person
2 = Go back to school
1 = You're stupid deal with it
0 = Just forget you ever took this test J
J Dumb Riddles!
1. A man builds a house with all four sides facing south. A bear walks
past the house. What colour is the bear?
2. Before the days of motor cars, a man rode into town on his horse. He
arrived on Friday, spent three days in town and left on Friday. How is
that possible?
3. Can a man legally marry his widow's sister in the state of Arkansas?
4. How much dirt is in a hole four feet deep and two feet wide?
ANSWERS:
1. White. The house is built directly on the North Pole.
2. The horse's name was Friday.
3. No -- he is dead.
4. There's no dirt in a hole.
J Webster:- Simon have you ever read shakespeare?
Simon:- No, who wrote it.
J Teacher: Tell me class if one train is travelling from east to west at 60 km/h and the second train is travelling from west to east at 75km/h what's my age.
Class: - Hmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!
After a few minutes
Foster: - Miss your age if 40.
Teacher: - You are correct. How did you calculate it.
Foster: - Miss it was easy. There is a woman in my neighborhood she is half mentally
Retarded and her age is 20. So miss you are ...................
To All Students!
Memo to all students:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught
through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you
feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please
see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the
S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you
get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Students who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to
EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took
S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore,and
are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching
others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST
(B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and
consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL
RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes how to
manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
PS. Now send this S.H.I.T. to 5 people who need S.H.I.T. in their life,
just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T., they have already had
their fill of S.H.I.T. Thank You for your time.
Sincerely,
The Director Under the Michigan Bureau of Super High Intensity Teaching.
(The D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.)
Proffessor's Brain
A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about
God's existence. The professor presented the following logic:
"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time,
he simply stated, "Then there is no God."
One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply.
Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor granted it,
and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his
classmates:
"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Again, silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"
When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then,
according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has
no brain!"
Electocute
These three guys go down to Mexico one night and get drunk and wake up in
jail. They found out that they are to be executed for their crimes but
none of them can remember what they have done.
The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any
last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor School of Divinity and I
believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the
innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not
want this guy to die, so they let him go.
The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am from the
University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of
Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
The switch is thrown and again nothing happens. They figure that the law
is on this guy's side, so they let him go.
The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a fighting Texas Aggie
Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you'll never electrocute
anybody if you don't connect those two wires."
Joke
How to be sure if someone is an Idiot?
You can be sure someone is an idiot when he/she:
Spends twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said
concentrate.
Puts lipstick on their forhead because he wanted to makeup his mind.
Gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
Sends a fax with a stamp on it.
Was on the corner giving out potato chips yellin' "Free Lays!"
Tries to drown a fish.
If you gave them a penny for their intelligence, you'd get change.
Thinks socialism means partying.
Trips over a cordless phone.
Takes a ruler to bed to see how long they slept.
At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he put
Sagittarius."
Takes 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
Studies for a blood test and fails.
Invents a solar powered flashlight.
Sells the car for gas money.
Heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moves.
Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 bus twice instead.
Takes you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport left", he
turned around and went home.
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